Splinters.

splinter

We can put up walls and barriers all we like, we can bat away thoughts, we can avoid people and situations but sooner or later we have to shut down and like it or not you cannot go to sleep with your guard up. Whoever you project yourself to be during the day, whatever battles and struggles you are facing or avoiding during the waking hours, when the lights it’s lights out the guard slips down, you cannot protect yourself from your dreams.

Although we should relinquish control of everything in our lives except for that of our decision making we have zero control to what our slumber will bring us when it is just us and our minds without us being concious to be able to switch and change our chain of thought. Dreams truly are a marvelled thing, sometimes they are incredibly easy to quantify. You can chop them up and spot all of the things you have encountered that day and see how they have been plonked into a crazy blender. Sometimes they are in ultra HD, dreams so real that you are convinced even when you wake up that is was fact and depending on the subject matter that can be quite disturbing. Then how many times do you remember mere fragments? It is all still in there but your mind will only release a shard of what was racing around.

I dream, I dream a lot. I always have, probably because my mind is always chattering away in the background. It actually dawned on me just recently that I think the reason I am generally so quiet is because my mind is so busy. It’s not frantic or chaotic but I am thinking, ever thinking. I have to state that I am not over-thinking, I sent that packing a long long time ago. Over thinking is toxic and brings about nothing but bad energy. No, instead my mind is packed with everything I am working towards. Now with two podcasts to fuel, my book, mentoring, photoshoots, training, other projects and all of the other trimmings such as friends and family it is a full on daily task to say the least. But it is self inflicted and to be honest as I am, I love it. I relish it in fact. Being creative, being surrounded by others in the same mindset is inspiring in itself. What a mixed bag of creatives I am lucky enough to be in and involved with. Chefs, actors, athletes, posing coaches, beauticians, inventors, models, football club managers. I could rattle out a fantastic list diversity and that right there is why I love my life and secondly that right there might just be why my dreams are intense and certainly would justify my quiet person in company. I am not ignoring you, I’m just working in my mind!

However, my dreams..these have caused me yeah I’d have to say distress these last couple of years. Yes we all dream every night but I go in hard, well my dreams certainly come at me hard. They seem to be the single thing remaining that are trying to not let me go. Some may say that this may mean there is some unfinished business lingering around somewhere but no, the last couple of years are both physically and emotionally buttoned up for me. It was a recent dream, quite literally two days ago that has made me want to tap this subject about my dinner plate today. You know this podcast, this story is that; it is my story. I share with you what I have been through, what it did to me before and after and how I used all of it to build something better. This is the evolution of me, my place to vent, my place to work things out. I truly thank you all for allowing me to do that and I’d encourage anyone that feels that they don’t have a voice to do the same.

So I have this in my mind. It’s not causing me discomfort but it can no longer remain restricted to my nights. I want to pour light on it and see what I must do to break it down.

This dream, my dreams are flooded by my last relationship and to say nightly wouldn’t be an over exaggeration. There’s never really any real meat on the bones and I can very easily see what my brain was trying to tell me. With that being that, it’s categorically knowing you are right but not actually getting it direct form the source. That will plain and simple straight up never happen so it has left this; splinter in my mind. I can’t reiterate enough that this isn’t something my conscious mind dignifies with even a split second but as I said, when the lights go out the rules change. So I have kind of accepted that this splinter exists and because I know the truth I feel no need to seek it in black and white. So I treat it just as it is, a splinter. I won’t squeeze it and I don’t try and hook it out with a needle. Just know that sooner or later it will work it’s own way to the surface and pop out of it’s own accord.

But this dream from a few nights ago felt different and that right there is an anomaly as it ‘felt’ different. I could feel things, emotions, hurt, anxiety, sadness. None of my dreams are reoccuring that I am aware of and I pay them no mind but this did.. rock me. I don’t think an in-depth description of the dream is will serve to be any benefit but more in the sharing of how it made me feel. I awoke with this very strong feeling of self criticism, the dream had made me feel as if I was at fault for everything when I know that simply isn’t the case. Yes of course I contributed and contributed heavily in places but to be made to feel like I was completely to blame did, yeah it upset me. Yet it did create something else. Maybe the splinter itself was actually identified. Time will tell on this but that very same day after the dream I removed what I believe is the last adjoining thread and it was just that. Our chat thread.

It was something that even when I talked in Block/delete I couldn’t manage. The removal of the conversation we shared. It is all well and good blocking and deleting a number but when you can still see an interaction it does to some degree keep things ‘aline’. I had probably kept this thread as deleting it truly did delete her existence to me and my world. There was over two thousand media files, years of chat, laughs, arguments, plans, the break up itself. All there. A perfectly preserved time line that I was not strong enough to clear. Until now.

This dream shifted something again in my mind. It pushed the splinter to the surface and  it would seem it may have put a stop to the dreams. Certainly just in these past few nights I have not been visited. I am under no illusion that will not be the last time my dreams are found in this channel but I just wanted to share that yet again it was the experiencing something that disrupted me, that removed my rhythm that then made me sit up and address something in my world that needed to be altered.

Don’t hold on to the past. you are moving forwards away from it so quite simply you are attempting to hold on to something that is stationary when you are on a plane that wants you to move forwards. It is holding you back. Never allow anything in life to hold you back, to restrict or influence your future.

Throughout life we will collect these splinters, we just need to remember they are temporary. Not a life threatening condition.

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