Mirror mirror.

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Who we are and who we project ourselves to be can be vastly different. They can be polar opposites of the spectrum. To a degree this is normal, if we’re starting a new job or career there will naturally be an element of this in order to make a good initial impression. But what about away from that, when it’s just you faced with you looking back at you in the mirror? Is that the same person you see?

What do you see? I have just tried this, I was standing in my kitchen eating a packet of crisps and I was looking at my reflection. Initially just casting my eye over my physique and what the past week of irregular eating and sugar binging had done to it, but then I looked at my face, yes it is incredibly handsome but I looked further in, I began to look beyond the physical. Into my eyes as if I were looking into someone else’s as I was talking to them and it got me thinking. Am I who I think I am? Am I who and what people think I am? My conclusion was yes, on the whole it’s a yes.  I don’t run from or try and mask my flaws, I think now at this stage in my life I am very honest with where I am at, and how I got here.

I see my own personal flaws and what could be defined as weaknesses, all of which come together and form me as a whole. Which is basically it isn’t it, accepting that all of our traits form us and who we are. I believe the real difference in what defines a person is knowing and understanding where we fall down and not hiding it or purposely masking those parts form others. For whatever reason, vanity, insecurity and possibly a fear of not being accepted for who you actually are. Now life is a long journey to try and keep uphold that vision. I’d imagine, it will be futile. As the saying goes, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe those closed doors  and actually the ones obscuring ones true self. I’m not saying all people are deceptive or that ‘bad people’ can’t do good things but it’s a cloak that raises questions. You have to be comfortable in yourself first and foremost, that has to be the starting point in my opinion. You have to be ease with your own company, your own space.

If you see something in that reflection that you don’t like and I’m not talking about the physical because ultimately the physical form (health reasons aside) is irrelevant. It’s our being, our energy that truly matters. Having that cleaned soul. If you do see something that you don’t like then address it, try to understand it, learn its origins and it’s reason for being there. As an example I present my case, I’ve spent the majority of my life a little offset, nothing of ill intent but for whatever reason just slightly unaligned. As with most people I just took it as that was me and got on with things. After all, we’re all different aren’t we?

Then, after meandering through life thinking this is how it is some life changing events rolled into town. A full set of them, poor choices made by various parties and my Dad taken ill and passing. I was left flailing and I had to change something, I had to understand myself. So, I sought council. Before I go further for my generation doing this carried a certain stigma, it was a dirty word but I had reached a point in my life where the need to understand and realign far outweighed the opinions of others. Therapy is a tool there for us to use, a powerful tool and those that have trained specifically to help others, well they are very special people.

So, I spent some time online reading profile after profile until one spoke to me. That is the process I would recommend to anyone looking to talk to someone. I dropped him an email and arranged our first appointment. Going in to that first session I knew I had to make progress to move forward, to discover things and begin to understand. To do that I had to be open and honest, there is no point being guarded or dancing around the issue. We discovered I had been traumatized by the passing of my Grandad and more to the point in how I had been told. I had always carried a handful of memories with me through my life, memories that had remained in crystal clear hd.  These memories had become interlinked, all unrelated in their making but fused together in the trauma of my news. This combined  gave birth to them manifesting in the need for me to keep control of the things in my life for the fear of them being taken from me. In that respect it had defined my understanding of boundaries and control when I would have been forming ‘normal’ parameters for them. As soon as we touched on this I felt everything start to undo, I felt the walls around me that had been built up by this behaviour start to disassemble brick by brick. It has allowed me to understand everything and now move to feeling free.

Learning that you cannot control what is going to happen throughout you life was huge to me and then realizing that you don’t need or want to control it but should be looking to put your efforts in how your deal with the things that happen in life. That is the important skill to understand and learn. It’s letting life unfold naturally, not trying to steer it in any particular direction. Then when it throws you a curveball you are grounded and level enough to deal with it in the best possible way. Now even though I have discovered, processed and broken through my own personal barriers I have remained with my councilor, not for the need to learn more about myself. I’m currently the best physical and mental version of myself i have ever been, but to just vocalize and talk through what I have going on. It’s a amazing facility to use and I believe everyone can benefit from it in some way. Those that scream they don’t need to see anyone? Maybe we should clear a path and usher them to the front.

This is why I’m not scared to look at myself in the mirror, to actually look at ‘me’, who I am. I see and accept my mistakes, shortcomings and flaws but I can also see the genuine, generous and caring person. I am not and never could see myself better or worse than anyone else, we are all the same blank canvas at the start just our pictures evolve differently. I try and see the positive in all situations.

So if you see something looking back at you that might not be something wrong but just something you would like to improve then be proactive and tackle it. Trust me, as someone that has stood there not knowing what was going to be unearthed and faced whatever came out and then to make it through to the other side not just stronger and more understanding but also totally at peace with myself. Then anyone can do it, anyone can improve themselves if they want to. There will be a reason that you’re not happy or content with what you see but take confidence that whatever it is, it can be fixed.

Take the brave step to travel down to the lower levels in order to make the surface a better place.

 

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